The Real Cost of Being a Stay-at-Home Mom: Is It Actually Worth It?

The idea was crazy.

Drive four hours one way with our two-year-old and six-week-old to spend 48 hours with my husband’s grandparents for Christmas. Oh, and the dog was coming, too.

We packed the car for our quick getaway to Illinois. After a perfect, nap-filled drive, I remember thinking, maybe this wasn’t so crazy after all. 

The moment we arrived, our daughter decided to voice her opinion about the trip—literally. She spent the entire night crying (scream-crying) no matter what we did. 

I tried to temper my bubbling frustrations. 

She’s just a baby. 

She can’t help it. 

I’ve had 26 years of practicing emotional regulation. She’s only had six weeks. 

This is hard. 

This is hard. This is hard. This is… 

As the night went on, that final thought drowned out the rest.

The next day, a fresh set of family members arrived. While I flipped through family recipe books in the kitchen, I heard a question behind me.

“Are you working or staying at home with the kids?” 

I turned to my husband’s uncle and told him I was indeed staying home. He nodded. “That’s such a great decision. That’s what we did while our three children were small.”

“It’s hard,” was all I could choke out. I didn’t have to say more, because he knew. He and his wife had lived it. And he read my mind when he continued, “It is hard. It’s a huge sacrifice, especially financially. Three in diapers on one income was HARD. And at times it was exhausting for her to be with all three everyday for so many years.”

His words were like water for my weary heart. Someone who’s been there understands where I am.

The Hidden Cost for the Stay-at-Home Mom

Every parent gets how raising children can be so beautiful, yet so demanding. Of course, getting to be a stay-at-home mom comes with luxurious blessings. But we are lying to ourselves if we pretend those blessings don’t come at a price. 

There are many costs mothers must pay. 

We lose sleep, privacy, and predictable schedules. We lose out on the ability to go where we want with no notice. We can no longer devote every moment of the day to anything we like—whether we choose a career, a hobby, or a home improvement project. We sacrifice alone time with our spouse. We reallocate money from whatever we please to diapers, wipes, and the kid’s next shoe size. 

Does the stay-at-home mom lose herself?

Many in the world refer to these losses as “losing yourself” in motherhood. And I, too, have fallen into the idea of feeling like I’ve “lost myself” when my children need more of me than I wish to give. I have felt stuck in the endless cycle of day in, day out, working around the clock to care for these little people. 

In moments when we’re wringing our hands at the repetitive, mundane moments of motherhood, we must remember that sacrifice is a key ingredient in a healthy family, and everybody is required to sacrifice. 

No mother would have the opportunity to stay home if it wasn’t for the hard-working man who supports her. These men follow the biblical call to be providers. They leave the comforts of home daily so their wives don’t need to worry where their next meal will come from. 

This is why being a stay-at-home mom is such a luxury—it’s because the opportunity is provided by the Lord, and funded by husbands.

When we sacrifice our careers or pause our dreams, we unlock the chance to bottle up every precious moment with the little children that Jesus so tenderly loves. We get to see the sleepy smiles after every naptime, to play blocks and read books on an otherwise insignificant Tuesday. 

And it’s because of these luxuries that mothers struggle with guilt and confusion every time the thought crosses her mind, “Why do I feel like I’ve lost something when staying home with these children is everything I prayed for?” 

The answer? 

It’s because motherhood is hard and holy work. 

The Sanctification of Staying Home

Being at home with little children is one of the most refining experiences with the least amount of measurable success. 

It’s a years-long assignment that comes with no PTO or sick days. There’s no personal satisfaction that comes with checking tasks off a to-do list or completing a big project. The hours are long, we’re always on call. There’s no health insurance, no 401K, no holiday bonus. 

Everyday, we guard our precious flock from the predators who would snatch them away. We show them what it takes to be a future citizen of heaven. 

We teach our children how to regulate their emotions while striving to keep our own in check. 

We teach them how to make good choices and we’re humbled when we notice them repeating our bad habits. 

We fall to our knees during the rough patches and pray—plead—to God for strength, patience, and wisdom, so our children can see what the spirit of Christ looks like. 

Ultimately, that’s the goal: to show our little flock who the Great Shepherd is.

Jesus: the Perfect Example of Sacrifice

Psalm 23:1 tells us, “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.” The word want[1] in this verse means to need, or to be lacking. When we’re part of God’s spiritual flock, we lack nothing. He has given us everything we need, including a Savior who serves as our primary example in every area of life. He demonstrates to mothers what pure, perfect sacrifice looks like. 

Who understands sacrifice better than the Savior? He left the comforts of his heavenly home. He sacrificed his body for a painful six hours to save us from an excruciating eternity. He endured rejection, loneliness, and discouragement for our eternal gain.

He was willing to give up every personal comfort so that we could gain eternal comfort. And therein lies the most encouraging truth about motherhood. 

The Truth Which Guides Us

When I am discouraged by the heavy sacrifices that come with being a faithful, Christlike mother, I remember this:

In the span of eternity, I’m giving up little to gain much. 

When I give up my selfish desires to put my little children’s needs first, I show them another facet of Jesus.   

How sanctifying to follow God’s call, to train our children in His ways (Proverbs 22:6); to spend what our culture calls extra time with them at home. 

How wonderful to lay a foundation of faith in the minds of our precious little blessings, in the hopes that they grow up and choose to be Christlike themselves. 

It starts by showing them what being like Christ looks like. And who better to show them than a mom who experiences sanctification through the temporary sacrificing of her own earthly dreams.

So How Do We Handle the Hard Parts?

Perhaps we understand the value of these sacrifices, but we still feel discouraged. We experience this discouragement because we can only be like Christ. We are unable to sacrifice as perfectly as he, because we do not possess his deity. We will still struggle with the occasional sadness of putting our own desires on hold. And then we grapple with the guilt that comes from that sadness when, in reality, we are so richly blessed. 

When we struggle with the complex emotions and experiences that come with making the choice (the sacrifice) to be at home with our children, let’s remember this:

“This is temporary.” My uncle-in-law certainly reminded me of that. 

A Final Encouragement for the Stay-at-Home Mom

While we were talking in the kitchen, I could see the temporary. His little children have become young adults. Their mama, who showed them Christlike sacrifice, now has a career she’s passionate about. 

I looked back at him and added, “It’s hard but it’s so worth it.”

“Yes, it is worth it. It goes by so fast.”  

Yes, we may give up a little bit when we decide to be stay-at-home mothers. But how much more precious are the things we gain?

Let’s change the narrative that our culture loves to push about women who stay at home with their children. Let’s look at what we sacrifice through the lens of eternity and savor the opportunity to show our children the beauty of living like Christ.

Please take a moment to tell me by leaving a comment if you found this article to be encouraging. And if you enjoyed reading this one, you may also like How to Find Community as Christian Women.

[1] Psalm 23:1